


I'll See You on Tuesday

by Skowronek



Series: Yuuri on Tuesdays [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Medical, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Doctor Katsuki Yuuri, Eros Katsuki Yuuri, Game of Thrones References, House M.D. References, Humor, I'm Sorry, M/M, Prostate Exam AU, Urologist!Yuuri, Victor No Chill Nikiforov, Yuuri dies a little, but Victor's living
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-07 09:39:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11620920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skowronek/pseuds/Skowronek
Summary: Sometime between his third cup of coffee and his twelfth prostate exam on that day, Dr Katsuki falls in love.Victor Nikiforov just wishes he had the balls to date his cute urologist.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Te Vejo Na Terça](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13303197) by [Yoñlu (TheoKobayashi)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheoKobayashi/pseuds/Yo%C3%B1lu)



> [Russian translation available](https://ficbook.net/readfic/6409977)

 

 

 

Like all great stories do, this one starts in a simple way – unexpectedly, and on a Tuesday.

Some time in the dark grasp of 1 A.M. in the morning, Yuuri dozes off in between two scenes of a _Game of Thrones_ episode he’s been meaning to watch for the whole day. On the screen, Jon Snow gazes into distance with a look both tormented and unaware. Yuuri, asleep as only exhausted research physicians can be, doesn’t know he is going to sport exactly the same look a few hours later.

At 1 A.M., Yuuri Katsuki knows nothing.

 

_____________

 

At 7:30 A.M., Yuuri wakes up. Things go downhill from there.

Morning light sneaks into his room like a thief and steals Yuuri’s dream about _Need for Speed_ and kidney inflammation. Groggily, Yuuri forces his eyes open and closes them shut when his brain screams for coffee.

There is no coffee in Yuuri’s flat. He knows that well, just like he knows there are two hundred and six bones in an adult human body. Yuuri plods to the bathroom, where his toothpaste somehow is on the floor. He marks off his daily workout by bending down to pick it up. Then he shambles to the kitchen, where his fridge is empty and his useless broken coffee machine stares at him with accusation.  Yuuri stares back. The universe comes to a halt.

(Most people develop love-hate relationships with their printers. They soon border on spiteful terror. Yuuri, however, finds himself in the same predicament with his coffee machine. Yuuri refuses to dehumanise his worst enemy, therefore the machine’s  name is Albert. 

Albert is secretly an asshole, which is why Yuuri, who has to caffeinate every morning,  looks more like a zombie and less like a functional adult and the doctor his med school degree declares him to be).

‘Caffeine’, Yuuri’s brain screams as he turns on his heel and all but runs to the door.

He needs to go to the nearest Starbucks.

_____________

 

It is a testament to Yuuri’s morning clumsiness that he spills his Americano the moment he enters the clinic and slips on the pristine floor.

His blue shirt turns an ugly shade of dark brown right in the middle of his chest. Yuuri curses – softly, in Japanese, without abandon – and watches as the wet lid of his coffee cup falls down, doing a cinematic swirl in the air.

(It’s such a shame, Yuuri registers in the periphery of his awareness. Such a nice coffee cup. He’s been a regular at that Starbucks for so long that Seung-gil the stoic barrista spells his name correctly every time. Such baristas are treasured. Such coffee cups are treasured).

‘I can assure you he’s our best specialist, sir’, Sara’s cheery voice cuts through his foggy brain. ‘Yes? That’s settled then. Let me see... Will 2 P.M. suit you? Perfect. Have a nice day!’.

With a click, Sara puts the phone away. Yuuri, still frozen and looking at the forlorn coffee lid in both despair and desperation, can hear her high heels against the white marble floor as she hurries to him from the reception desk.

‘Yuuri!’, she exclaims, all smiles and sunny concern. ‘I’ve just booked you a patient, it seemed a bit urgent. Just look at you! Let me take care of this, you go to your office and I’ll be right back with your shirt’.

Sara pats Yuuri on the shoulder and nips to the storage room.

‘Excuse me’, he hears on his right and jumps out of the way as a patient tries to walk through the door Yuuri still blocks. The sudden jolt makes the sad remains of his coffee flow onto the marble with an ugly splash. A few droplets stain Yuuri’s jeans. The strong scent of cooling coffee mixes with the clinic’s usual antiseptic.

As Sara disappears in the storage room with a dull thud of closed doors, Yuuri becomes aware of a number of things:

  1. Sara continues calling him the clinic’s best specialist despite the fact his latest paper was not that revolutionary and Yuuri is slightly ashamed to have it published in _The Journal of Urology,_ 201, Issue 6. (Yuuri drafted a pleading email to have it removed from the issue. Phichit, who had heard from a bewildered Yuuri that the second reviewer had been singing praises about it, deleted the draft to the sound of a stern and exasperated “Yuuri no!” and a click of a closing laptop).
  2. His morning catastrophe has been witnessed by Yuuri’s first patient of the day, the kind Mr. Plisetsky, who is also a regular and will probably remember Yuuri’s humiliation every time he comes back for his appointment.
  3. ‘ _I am the dragon breathing fire’,_ sings Beyoncé. Yuuri realizes Sara must have lost her weekly bet with Phichit and it’s his turn to pick the music for the week. Yuuri resigns himself to five days of alternating between _Lemonade_ and _I am... Sasha Fierce_ and conducting testicle exams to the rhythm of _Single Ladies._
  4. By now Sara and Phichit are so used to Yuuri spilling coffee on himself that they keep an entirety of seven different shirts so that he can change in his office and not look like a miserable, inept idiot. All the shirts are a courtesy of Phichit, who _bought them for you because your lack of fashion sense insults your abs, Yuuri_.
  5. Yuuri has yet to drink his weight in coffee and therefore can’t function.



‘Here you are, Yuuri, your shirt’,  Sara returns with the familiar quick click of her heels. Yuuri, who used to train ballet on pointe and has the calves to prove that, can’t understand how she balances her stilettos on marble polished like a skating rink. ‘Now go and change’.

She’s off to pick up the ringing phone before Yuuri knows it. Sara shoos at him to leave the mess and go change, so he does exactly that. During the short walk to his office, Yuuri smiles apologetically to Mr Plisetsky, who waits patiently in the chair and who smells faintly of pirozhki and cigarettes. Yuuri needs to warn him against smoking, again, but maybe later, once he’s stopped re-enacting Cersei Lannister’s walk of shame.

(It’s a thing. Phichit has an app on his phone – when he turns it on, it rings like a bell. He pretends to be the silent Septa from _Game of Thrones_ every time he witnesses Yuuri do something embarrassing, which is daily).

Yuuri changes into a fresh shirt – a blue one because _you look damn fine in blue, Yuuri_ , _trust me I’m a doctor._ He’s just about to invite Mr Plisetsky in when Sara drums her fingers against the door and sticks her head in. With her, into the office floats in a fresh scent of antiseptic.

‘Just a heads-up’, she warns Yuuri, reaching her arm to him in a familiar gesture. With practiced ease, Yuuri throws her the stained shirt. ‘I called Phichit, he’ll run by a Starbucks on his way here. Ah, and J.J. is next. Thought it’s better to let you know’.

Sara quirks her mouth in a sympathetic smile and clicks away on her impossible heels. Yuuri recalls a gif of an octopus that noped out of the gif frame. He identifies with it strongly.

 

_____________

 

His shirt ironed and fresh, his smile entirely professional, his plastic gloves whiter than a Hollywood smile, Yuuri examines Mr Plisetsky’s prostate with an air of a man who has seen things.

Mr Plisetsky, whom Yuuri is insanely fond of if only because of the man’s unperturbed attitude ( _Back in Moscow, I survived communism. I won’t fear an urologist, Doctor),_ throughout the duration of the exam tells Yuuri about his grandson, Yuratchka. Yuratchka seems like a genuinely nice kid, whose only fault is blasting metal music at midnight. Yuuri obligingly makes a few sympathizing noises, still astonished that the man nonchalantly carries a casual conversation during a digital rectal exam.

Once the DRE is over and done with, Yuuri apologises for interrupting their discussion and explains a few points about Mr Plisetsky’s PSA levels, all the while despairing that his favourite patient was also the first one for the day. From now on, it can only get worse.

 

_____________

 

The next patient, J.J., is another of Yuuri’s regulars. He prances in with a grin on his face that Yuuri considers inappropriate for the occasion. His canary yellow shirt blinds Yuuri’s caffeine-deprived nerves.

J.J., as always, sticks his butt out without asking and demands his exam to be done _J.J. style._

Yuuri, as always, is too terrified to ask what he means. He dies a little on the inside.

 

_____________

 

Phichit steps by the moment J.J. leaves. He throws a cup of caramel macchiato with  extra whipped cream into Yuuri’s face. Yuuri, who needs to purify his soul after J.J.’s appointment, drinks it all in a few gulps, blessing Phichit, Starbucks, and his rising sugar levels.

‘Seung-gil said to tell you he’s going to withdraw your husky picture privileges if you spill your coffee again’, Phichit informs him cheerfully. ‘And he might misspell your name next time’.

Yuuri lets out a scandalized gasp. It’s not fake.

‘He wouldn’t’.

‘He would’.

‘Seung-gil never says so many words at once. You’re lying’, Yuuri accuses, pointing one finger into Phichit’s face.

Phichit squints at it. Yuuri freezes. They both think of J.J., whom Phichit passed on his way into Yuuri’s office. They both think of where this finger was just a moment before.

‘Get out’, Yuuri says.

 

_____________

 

At 1:30 P.M., Sara stands at Yuuri’s threshold again.

‘I’m very sorry, Yuuri’, she says, wringing her hands.

‘Not your fault, Sara’, Yuuri answers. They repeat this every week.

Sara mouths ‘I’m sorry’ again because she’s a decent human being. Her brother scurries past her into Yuuri’s office because he’s not.

‘Listen here, Katsuki’, Mickey starts. His face, although handsome, contorts into an angry grimace. The only time he doesn’t grimace is when he looks at Sara. Yuuri thinks Mickey is going to get wrinkles by thirty and he will look like Sara’s father, which is probably what he’s intended all along.

‘It’s Doctor Katsuki for you, Mickey’, Sara hisses and closes the door. Yuuri and Mickey have a staring contest, like every weekday at 1:32 PM. Yuuri interrupts it first, like every day at 1:33.

‘Mr. Crispino’, Yuuri says meaningfully.

‘You will not touch my sister’, Mickey says, like he does every day at 1:34 PM.

‘I’m not interested in touching Sara, Mr Crispino’, Yuuri says. This, too, he says every day. They know the scenario by heart. Yuuri could get an Oscar for this; it’s a performance of a lifetime.  ‘Now, if you’ll please...’

‘No’, Mickey gives him the 1:35 PM line. The staring contest resumes until Sara enters again, without knocking.

‘Pull down your goddamn pants, Mickey’, she growls.

Sara exits. The door closes again, more forcefully than necessary.

What follows agrees with their usual scenario to a minute. This is the thing: Mickey refuses to not to threaten Yuuri, who works with Sara and  therefore poses a danger. Yuuri refuses to listen to Mickey’s threats because he won’t waste time on Mickey if he can treat a patient instead. Therefore, Mickey books five appointments a week – always for the same time because he’s a creature of habit. They have a staring contest and then Mickey pulls his pants down and rants at Yuuri while Yuuri pulls on his white gloves and gives Mickey a DRE.

(Mickey’s prostate is the most well-checked prostate in Detroit, Yuuri just knows).

At 1:47 PM, Mickey’s rant intensifies. Yuuri, as his role in this scenario has it, threatens to call Dr Baranovskaya again. They both know what she can do to jealous brothers who bother other patients with their loud diatribes. They both remember how Mickey got thrown out of the clinic once. They collectively decide to save the remnants of Mickey’s dignity and not talk about it.

(Nobody at the clinic, and especially not Sara, ever mentioned to Mickey that Dr Baranovskaya now lectures at the Wayne State University School of Medicine every Tuesday and therefore can’t throw Mickey out again).

At 1:50 PM, Mickey leaves Yuuri’s office and strides to Sara’s desk, where he is going to check up on her for a whole of ten minutes before at 2 PM sharp he will bother Doctor Cialdini and his intern, Phichit. Phichit will then take a selfie with Mickey on his way out. Yuuri will be drinking coffee and observing this spectacle.

At 2 PM, Yuuri has a new patient.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ I don't even know what to write about this, I needed a break from my angsty WIP and this is the result  
> \+ it took me maybe 3 hours to write this and it's an unbetaed mess  
> \+ The Journal of Urology is real but I made up the vol.  
> \+ I'm so sorry
> 
> Also, I'm on [tumblr](http://kaja-skowronek.tumblr.com)


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

For Victor Nikiforov (male, 35, blue eyes, blond hair, a certified airhead and A+++ puddle owner), Monday ends at 11 PM, when he returns home from a club, slightly tipsy and vaguely unhappy.

Yakov – officially, the owner of the rink Victor works at, unofficially: Victor’s father figure and a shoulder to cry on – considers it a personal failure that he has not raised Victor better. Victor should know no responsible adult goes to a party on a working day.

(Victor hears Yakov’s disappointment in the silence that falls whenever he comes to the rink slightly late and visibly hangover. The silence lasts about ten seconds before Yakov explodes. Victor never points out that since he only met Yakov at the age of 20,  it was a bit too late for Yakov to raise him. Ergo, the man should chill out a bit).

So, there’s nothing strange about it – it’s a Monday and Victor comes home from a club. Makkachin greats him with a bark – less enthusiastic and more offended, Victor thinks. Makkachin is a passionate sleeper.  Still, the poodle follows Victor as he totters into his bedroom.

The bedroom is all grey and white and sharp edges and Scandinavian comfort, which is only fair since Victor bought everything in IKEA and never looked back. Victor hops onto his bed, calling Makkachin to him, and decides the best way to end the day is to binge-watch the last few episodes of the first season of _House, M.D._

(Victor loves drama, be it on TV or in real life – preferably the latter, but he’ll take what he can get).

He watches an episode exactly the way one should watch a favourite guilty pleasure on a Monday night – openly, quoting his favourite lines, and cuddling his dog. It’s probably healthier to indulge in TV shows than junk food, Victor figures, especially if you happen to be a former athlete who now trains young and impressionable younglings.

(It’s the first rule of Monday club nights that we don’t talk about Monday club nights).

So this is how it is: Victor cuddles Makkachin, snickers when House says something sarcastic (which is pretty much all the time), and freezes when he hears House saying “I’ll finish your exam with a prostate check”.

Victor, who is busy laughing and playing with Makka’s fur, suddenly stops his hands. Makka makes a cute thing with her head, trying to get Victor to scratch her. Victor would usually coo because it’s a thing universally acknowledged that a cute dog should be cooed at. But not this time.

This time, Victor wonders. He’s never had a prostate check before.

 

_____________

 

The rest of the night is spent as follows:

  1. Victor makes coffee because this is the logical thing to do at midnight. The coffee is black like the Detroit night outside because Victor is above earthly chores such as grocery shopping and has no drinkable milk in the fridge.
  2. Monday turns into Tuesday because the universe is boring and predictable. Makkachin snores – she, too, knows the deep truth about the nature of the world. Victor takes a video of his sleeping dog and sends it to his best friend, Chris (33, male, blond, green eyes, a certified heartbreaker and A+++ butt).
  3. At 1 PM, Victor waits for Chris to reply but after a few minutes it becomes apparent that Chris is either sleeping with someone or sleeping, period. The first option is much more probable. Victor puts his iPhone down.
  4. Victor goes to Spotify, opens his favourite pop playlist, and gets down to researching.
  5. The night passes slowly, like nights not spent in clubs are wont to do. Victor reads up on prostate checks.



 

At 7:30 AM, for the first time in his life Victor knows more about the prostate than where to find it. Thirteen online articles enlightened him more in terms of medicine than all his years of education could (including the years spent watching and rewatching _House, M.D._ Victor is not stupid. He knows it’s never lupus). He goes as far as to look up an open access scientific journal, but the number of words he needs to check in Merriam Webster discourages him before he even goes through the abstract.

 

It goes without saying: Victor learns things. He knows he’s probably eight to ten years away from the age where he should get regular check-ups. He doesn’t think he matches any prostate cancer symptoms. This makes him breathe more easily for a while.

 

At 8:30 AM, once he’s showered and walked Makkachin, Victor prepares his breakfast. Hangover makes him consider calling in sick. He knows Yakov will know he’s not sick. He doesn’t call.

 

At 8:40, Victor’s scrambled eggs are ready. He brings his laptop to the kitchen, where he eats while playing a YouTube video about prostate cancer.

 

Then, chewing on his breakfast, Victor learns from the narrator that the more often he masturbates, the higher the cancer risk, but the more sex he has, the lower. Victor freezes with a spoon in front of his mouth. He pauses the video.  He tries to digest the information mindlessly, like it’s food. It’s not food. It’s not even food for thought. Victor wishes for a simpler world.

 

‘This doesn’t make sense’, he says, testing the words out. ‘Makka, does it make sense?’

 

Makka doesn’t answer. Very well, Victor thinks. He texts Chris out of the blue – the man has yet to reply to his last message, but he forgives Chris because Victor is mellow, merciful and magnanimous. He’s also other adjectives which start with an M that he learnt in his English as a Foreign Language class ages ago, back in St. Petersburg.  So he just texts Chris that he probably doesn’t have to worry about his prostate with the amount of sex Chris’s been having.

 

That’s the thing though – Victor hasn’t been having sex. It’s not that he can’t get laid. He could, and he would (some adjectives come to mind: good-looking, graceful, _gorgeous_ ), but while Victor totally understands Chris’ satisfaction with random hook-ups, Victor’s been craving something more.

 

‘It’s like pizza’, he explained to Chris the other night, ‘you can bring home a sad frozen lump from a supermarket and torture it in your microwave. Or you can fuck off to Italy and have the real thing’.

 

(Or so he assumes. Victor’s never been to Italy, but he refuses to believe he might be wrong).

 

Only, if you want to have tasty pizza – or other tasty things, like in Victor’s case, even though he won’t refuse a nice slice of pepperoni either – you need to actually get it. Victor doesn’t get it because he’s had his fair share of one-night stands which he spent wondering whether Makkachin is feeling lonely in his flat while more or less handsome men tried and failed to find Victor’s prostate.

 

So, it’s just simple logic. Victor can’t have the real thing but he can have his hand.

 

And now it’s a prostate problem. Victor may or may not capitalise it in his mind, proud of alliteration more than he’s ever been proud of his tiny skating prodigies. He eyes the YouTube video suspiciously, still wary of the prostate statistics which are nonsensical so Victor almost refuses to believe them. Almost.

 

At 9:05 AM, he books a doctor’s appointment.

 

_____________

 

Victor shows up at the door of the new private clinic a bit early, more anxious and less hangover. The interior – all white marble, sleek metals and rectangular mirrors – appeals to his modern taste, but he knows it’s not this instagrammable architecture that calls him inside.

 

The dark-haired receptionist welcomes him with a professional smile that somehow manages to look sincere on her face. She looks as if she might burst into dance to the rhythm of the Beyoncé song that Victor can hear; the music is slightly at odds with the clinic, he thinks. Victor is the only patient in the waiting room. The woman hovers outside a door to an office for a second before meeting Victor halfway.

 

‘You must be Mr Nikiforov’, the woman exclaims. She seems so happy to see him that Victor begins to wonder whether she’s hired to lure unsuspecting men inside so that they can end up as a dessert served to patrons of a vampire den. He’s sure the clinic is just a cover. ‘My name’s Sara, we spoke on the phone in the morning’, the woman continues. ‘Since it’s your first visit here, could you please fill in some paperwork before your appointment?’.

 

Before Victor knows it, he silently considers the laws of gravity and how she bends them on high heels that must be a health hazard. The woman leads him to the table, leaves him with a pile of paperwork and a generic pen every clinic has (plastic white, with the clinic’s logo on the side, writes in blue), and then pivots on one sharp heel.

 

‘Excuse me for a moment’, she says and walks to the white office door on the right from her desk. Briskly, without knocking, the woman – Sara – opens the door with a sharp pull and orders harshly, without preamble:

‘Pull down your goddamn pants, Mickey’.            

Victor freezes for the third time that day. Sara shuts the door with more force than the door would appreciate if doors were sentient and aware of such things. Victor locks his eyes with the woman as she turns around.

‘I’m sorry’, she says airily, walking towards her desk. ‘It’s my brother’.

Victor reconsiders.

‘I’m afraid it might take a while’, Sara continues, glancing heatedly at the door, either oblivious to Victor’s thoughts or ignoring them for their mutual benefit. ‘Would you like me to help you with these papers?’.

Victor considers himself a daring man. As a teenager, he performed risky jumps and quick step sequences in front of thousands. In his early twenties, he pulled through after a severe injury which took him out of the sport. In his late twenties, he reinvented himself around his new career in coaching. In his early thirties, he sacrificed his independence and dedicated his life to one small fluff of joy, Makkachin.

To cut it short – Victor considers himself a daring man. But as Sara, who may or may not be a bait for gullible men, offers her help, Victor wordlessly shakes his head.

‘Okay, then’, Sara says. Victor breathes a sigh of relief (carefully, stealthily, so that Sara doesn’t know she didn’t fool him). ‘So let me just tell you that we’ll need a urine sample from you and...’.

 

 _____________

 

It continues for some minutes. Victor fills in various questionnaires, fighting the urge to bite on the pen (unsanitary, his mind screams. God knows what kind of germs Gregory House’s team would find on this thing). He provides the clinic with an urine sample. Beyoncé sings her lungs out with the dedication which the clinic’s pulmonologist, a Dr Cialdini, must either despise or admire.

At one point, Dr Cialdini’s door opens (soundlessly, like in a movie – Victor is impressed), a patient comes out and a young man follows her to the exit, chatting amicably. He greets Victor – a bit mindlessly, at first, but then he makes a double take, looks at Victor, at Sara, and at the urologist’s door.  He doesn’t say anything. His smile is full of secrets. Victor considers it a proof that the clinic is just a front for a vampire den. He’s the next victim. He needs to text Chris to take care of Makka.

At some other point – minutes or hours later, Victor is not sure, frozen in eternal hell of the waiting room – through the idle bickering of Sara and the young man, Victor hears a howl.

 _A werewolf,_ he thinks.

‘I’m sorry’, Sara says; this time she definitely notices Victor’s distress. ‘It’s my brother’.

The young doctor – Phichit, Victor learns – takes a long look at him again. Victor shivers. It’s 1:47 P.M., his iPhone tells him. He spends the next three minutes reconsidering his life choices.

At 1:50 PM, the urologist’s door opens with a bang. A dark-haired patient steps out, fuming but satisfied; he heads straight to Sara’s desk, paying neither Victor nor Phichit no mind. Phichit doesn’t seem bothered.  He notices Victor’s unsure fidgeting and stops him with a wave of his hand. Something moves in his breast pocket. Victor thinks about the vampire den and doesn’t want to know.

‘No, please, wait’, the doctor says. ‘Dr Katsuki will call you in. He always takes a short break at ten to two’.

Victor nods and waits. He doesn’t think about Phichit’s breast pocket. Minutes pass slowly like indigestion. Victor doesn’t listen to Sara and her brother’s conversation because it’s creepy and he doesn’t want to know. More minutes pass, even slower. Victor doesn’t see the shrewd, calculating look Phichit throws him every once in a while, when he’s not texting. Even more minutes pass. Victor doesn’t see any other patients. He doesn’t think it’s suspicious. He doesn’t think.

At 1:59 PM, Phichit invites Sara’s brother to the pulmonologist’s office. Victor lasts three seconds before he begins to wonder what ails the dark-haired howling man if he requires multiple appointments. Then, Sara stands from her chair and high-heels to the urologist’s office, opening the door with the same sunny expression that deceived Victor earlier.

‘Mr Nikiforov? Doctor Katsuki will see you now’.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ I can't take you enough for the feedback, you're incredible and I'm crying <3  
> \+ again, this is another portion of Unbetaed Mess™ that took me about three hours of writing  
> \+ the House episode Victor watched is called "Love Hurts" and it's from the very first season. The quote is real and I love it  
> \+ the Youtube thing is real and watchable [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLjN_-yAVJI&t=154s). I've no idea how accurate this info is and the robotic narrator is creepier than the waiting room situation, so I'm sympathising with Victor here  
> \+ I'm probably gonna flood you with proper prostate research at the end of the last chapter because let's spread awareness and also I like research A LOT  
> \+ and on the topic of the last chapter, the number of the chapters may change to 4 so stay tuned  
> \+ next time the prostate check au will live up to its name
> 
> \+ again, I'm so sorry
> 
>  
> 
> and finally, if you want to talk about prostate checks and/or other things, I waste my life on [tumblr](http://kaja-skowronek.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

 

Later, when Victor’s stepped out of the clinic, he will kick himself for noticing the office first.

No – don’t get Victor wrong. It wasn’t terrible, as far as offices go. Of course Gregory House’s was far nicer, but Victor realized that not everything in his life is as luminous as on TV. Still – the office looked considerably comfortable, if you managed to ignore all the glaring whiteness and the sterile medical equipment. There was a Funko Pop figurine of Jon Snow on the windowsill. A framed artistic picture of two ballet dancers hang on the wall; if Victor thought it was an unusual choice in an office, he wasn’t going to complain.

Even though, the perfect few seconds which Victor wasted looking around could have been spent checking out Dr Katsuki.

But Victor, as hindsight has it, is an idiot. So it goes like this:

It’s 2 PM sharp. He brushes past Sara, feeling just _a tiny bit_ uneasy. He enters the office – Sara closes the door behind him and the resulting sound somehow manages to sound professional; he hears muffled clicks of her stilettos as she moves away from the office. It’s to the upbeat sound of  Beyoncé music and the rhythmic tick of Sara’s heels that Victor gives the office a sweeping glance.

This is his first mistake. Six bars of Beyoncé’s _[Halo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnVUHWCynig) _ pass. Victor’s eyes, finally, land on the urologist.

Beyoncé sings something about an angel. Victor has an epiphany.

This is his second mistake. In the morning,  at 9 AM when Victor chatted with Sara on the phone, he had two impressions which now turn out to be completely false:

  * Sara is a just your regular friendly receptionist. At 2 PM Victor doesn’t know what Sara is, but she’s something _more_ and something _else_
  * The urologist is a man in his fifties who might be growing a moustache and wears ugly shirts. Victor’s experience with medical professionals is limited to _House M.D._ and random appointments he books when he thinks he’s got lupus (It’s never lupus). Nothing prepares Victor for this.



He’s not middle-aged. Victor’s not sure how old Dr Katsuki can be – he’s like one of those ethereal creatures in anime. Or like Tilda Swinton. Sheer ageless awesomeness. Under the lab coat he wears a shirt which is not ugly. Victor blesses the universe.

Victor’s prayer stops abruptly when he notices the man’s hair (dark, a bit ruffled, and softer than in a shampoo commercial), the man’s nose (Victor develops a _thing_ ), and his eyes (like amber melted with chocolate. And there are _glasses_. Victor thinks of fondue).

Beyoncé sings something about a halo. Victor wholeheartedly agrees. An angel stands before him.

‘Uhm... Hello?’, Victor hears.

Oh. _Right._

Victor speaks. This is his third mistake.

‘Good morning’, he says. He sees, almost in slow-motion, like Dr Katsuki’s eyes travel to the clock on the wall and back to Victor. They both know it’s not a morning. Victor’s too proud to backtrack now.

(They say you live only once . Victor looks at Dr Katsuki’s beautiful, flustered face and he’s _living_ ).

So, _YOLO,_ Victor thinks. Chris would be proud. ‘I’m here for my prostate exam’, he says.

Belatedly, Victor realises it’s not a cute thing to say. It’s not a sexy thing to say. It’s awkwardly embarrassing for Victor to say, and probably totally forgettable for Dr Katsuki to hear.

Dr Katsuki blinks once. It’s like the butterfly effect, Victor thinks frantically.  Dr Katsuki blinks –  somewhere across the world a hurricane swirls. Dr Katsuki blinks – Victor’s heart does a flip.

So, Dr Katsuki blinks. Victor knows it shouldn’t be anything out of ordinary, but with this blink, something changes; it’s like the reality shifts. Victor has just spent an entire half an hour in an actual pit of hell, but as he entered the office, he ascended to heaven.

(There’s an angel in front of him so it must be true).

 

_____________

 

Yuuri knows little about his next patient, except that he booked the appointment in the morning and has an emergency. This tells Yuuri a few things. The man is either a hypochondriac or in pain; if he is really in pain, there may be something seriously wrong. Very few of Yuuri’s patients come to his office before their symptoms become unbearable. He knows his fair share of elderly patients who have to be all but dragged to his clinic (and there is, of course, the kind Mr. Plisetsky, who comes willingly and makes his grandson take pictures of their cat with Mr. Plisetsky’s smartphone so that later he can show them to Yuuri during his check-up). He also knows his fair share of young hypochondriacs who don’t really have to be worried about their prostates – or any other parts of their anatomy, really – but return to Yuuri anyway, like migratory birds.

(‘At least a half of your hypochondriacs are thirsty for you, Yuuri’, Phichit keeps saying because he’s the worst friend to grace this earth. Even in his own mind, Yuuri refuses to quote all the lame urologist jokes Phichit comes up with).

So, there are the patients who should visit Yuuri, the patients who visit Yuuri because they _think_ they should, and there’s Mickey. Yuuri is not going to think about Mickey.

Yuuri takes one look at the 2 PM patient – too young for a prostate check according to the American Cancer Society, hair beginning to thin (but he’s hiding it well!), and adorably flushed.

Oh. _Right._

So he’s the hypochondriac type. Yuuri knows those. He’s dealt with those.

Yuuri blinks. This is how it works: he goes to a different headspace. Hypochondriacs need reassurance, professionalism and confidence. Yuuri is okay with reassurance. During his years as a student, his excellent bedside manner was the stuff of legends (at least according to Phichit, who is the worst friend to grace this earth and not to be trusted. But Yuuri himself believes he’s been doing just fine). Professionalism he can pull off. Yuuri knows the human anatomy better than he knows _Game of Thrones_ episodes and his Netflix password. It’s his confidence that wavers. Yuuri always thinks of the inborn charisma of Tywin Lannister. With his hypochondriacs, Yuuri invariably tries to channel Tywin, hopefully in life and not in death.

(‘You’re not Tywin’, Phichit snorts when Yuuri confesses that once, drunk and miserable. Yuuri gives him a side-eye. He knows that. He knows he will never compare. ‘You don’t have to be Tywin. Just do that thing with your hair and they’re going to be _excited_ to see you’.

Yuuri inwardly criticises Phichit’s bedside manner. It’s not excitement that’s the problem. Phichit snorts some more).

‘Please sit down, Mr Nikiforov’, he invites the man with a gesture of his hand. He watches as the patient’s eyes trail the outline of his arm – the man looks startled, but then relaxes; Yuuri knows how it is – some of them think he’s going to pull down their pants the moment they enter his office. The man sits – he’s really quite handsome, Yuuri observes (it’s his detached, professional opinion, thank you very much).

‘Victor’, the man blurts out.

‘Excuse me?’.

‘Victor. That’s my name’.

Yuuri is baffled. He shrugs it off; it’s not the first time that a patient is nervous.

‘I know, Mr Nikiforov’, he says soothingly. ‘I’ve got your details on your card’.

The man – and Yuuri is beginning to feel sorry for him; it usually calms his patients down if he looks nonthreatening but keeps thinking of Tywin – the man still looks a bit flushed.

‘Are you alright, sir?’

‘I’m gay’, the man makes known. Yuuri opens his mouth, but before he can say anything, Mr Nikiforov begins to ramble on. ‘And I thought, maybe my prostate is not okay, or something, does it matter what kind of sex I’m having and then I watched _House, M.D._ ’

Yuuri needs a moment to proceed this kind of syntactical carousel. At least he doesn’t have to ask the patient what’s the matter.

‘Very well’, he smiles. ‘ I understand you didn’t have a PSA test done? Alright, that’s fine. Please give me a moment so I can study your information and then I’m going to ask you a few questions’.

 

_____________

 _Fuck,_ Victor thinks. _Fuck._

He takes a second to evaluate his situation. It’s not perfect.

  1. He’s just made a fool of himself because his brain short-circuited. That’s not a first impression Victor wants to make.
  2. There’s some howling coming from the waiting room. It almost overcomes Beyoncé’s impressive lungs. Dr Katsuki looks perfectly fine with it. (Dr Katsuki looks perfect and fine, period). Victor remembers Sara and Sara’s brother, and feels afraid, very afraid.
  3. Victor considers the thing Dr Katsuki does with his _voice_ and his _smile_ and thinks _fuck, fuck, fuck,_ again and literally.



 

‘So’, the doctor starts, ‘I need to ask you if you experience any difficulty urinating’.

 

This is, by far, the most unsexy thing Victor has ever heard; it’s also, by far, the sexiest thing Victor has ever heard. The dichotomy makes weird things to his lower abdomen. Victor answers, truthfully, ‘No’, all the while considering whether this is a lower-abdomen issue an urologist could take care of.

 

‘What about erectile dysfunction?’.

 

Victor reevaluates. This is, by far, the most sexy and unsexy thing he’s ever heard. He shakes his head, fervently, and then stops himself to reconsider. Is it a dysfunction if it happens in the urologist’s office, he thinks.

 

(He doesn’t think).

 

‘Very well’, Dr Katsuki repeats. Victor, again, develops a _thing._ ‘Any pain while ejaculating?’.

 

_____________

 

Yuuri thinks Mr Nikiforov is the shyest patient he’s ever met. In any other situation, this quality could be endearing. Yuuri, however, thinks only about the DRE he’s about to perform and how his patient must be thinking that a simple prostate check up is a torture.

 

_____________

 

 

Victor focuses on being handsome while he pulls his pants down. In the corner of the office, Dr Katsuki focuses on washing his hands. He doesn’t watch Victor at all. Victor wonders whether he should have worn his tightest boxers – but at this point, it’s too late. Next time.

 

As per instruction, he bends down. He doesn’t think about the countless occasions he bent down like this, in places other than an urologist’s office. He doesn’t think about the fact that the howling has finally stopped. Sara or Phichit - Victor thinks it might be the man’s fault, if the shit-eating grin is anything to go by – has turned the volume up. Beyoncé sings a bit louder: _[Check up on it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1dUDzBdnmI). _

The irony is not lost on Victor. His dignity, on the other hand, is a different matter entirely. 

‘Could you please bend down a bit more’, he hears behind his back, and Victor wants to groan as Beyoncé advises him to _twerk it._ ‘I’m sorry if this is uncomfortable. It’s not going to take too long, just a few seconds’.

‘Oh, take as long as you need, Doctor’, Victor hears himself saying. He bites his lip to shut up but it’s too late.

Beyoncé, of course, still sings the same song. Victor does not think about the hand that touches his lower back. It makes strange things to his lower abdomen, again.

It’s not an unfamiliar sensation. Victor’s had much worse, with much worse-looking men.

It’s a simple law of physics. As Dr Katsuki’s finger ventures into the direction it should, Victor’s mind ventures into the direction it shouldn’t.   

He stops pretending he doesn’t think about the finger. He stops pretending he doesn’t think about Dr Katsuki.

(He’s never pretended not to think about the gentle pressure on his prostate, so he doesn’t start doing this now, either).

For the second time today, Victor is _living._

The sensation stops soon, like Dr Katsuki said it would. Victor is amazed by the man’s professionalism and slightly saddened he was not lied to.

‘Thank you, Mr Nikiforov’, Dr Katsuki says. ‘You can put your clothes back on’.

_____________

 

Yuuri immediately throws away his gloves and walks towards the sink to wash his hands,. He moves away to give the shy man some privacy. Yuuri knows how uncomfortable his patients can get, so he washes his hands longer than usual, taking care to give Mr Nikiforov time to compose himself.

‘Everything is in order’, he announces when he sits returns to his desk. Mr Nikiforov gives him a smile – he’s really quite handsome, Yuuri thinks, even if he can never say it. ‘You have nothing to worry about. No swelling, no bumps, no cysts. It’s a perfect prostate’.

Usually, his patients are happy to hear that. Yuuri expects a ‘thank you, Doctor’ and a sigh of relief that the DRE is over. 

But not this time.

The man’s bright smile dims suddenly; if his shoulders drop, it’s not with relief.

‘Can I have the PSA done?’, he asks. There’s an oddly pleading melody to his voice, something Yuuri has heard before with a number of his usual hypochondriacs. Phichit has a lot to say about these ones. Yuuri never listens. ‘Just in case, Doctor, please’.

There’s no escaping. Yuuri knows the type. Mr Nikiforov is going to be back sooner or later, anxious and desperate – whether the cause is a self-diagnose with a little help of his friend, Dr Google, or another medical drama that rules on Netflix this month, the man will be back.

‘There is no medical reason for it’, he answers truthfully. It’s all pro forma – he knows the man will not be stopped.

‘Doctor’, Mr Nikiforov says. The urgency in his voice is something else. ‘Please’.

_____________

 

Beyoncé still sings when Victor waves cheerfully to Sara on his way back from Dr Katsuki’s office. A bit smugly, he thinks about the clever way he’s just secured another appointment with the cute urologist. Surely no man has been this sneaky before.

Victor does not care about the PSA much; it means, though, that Dr Katsuki is going to see the results, and that means, in turn, that Victor is going to see Dr Katsuki. Next Tuesday, he thinks. Just a seven days away.

‘Until next time!’, somebody says very loudly. Victor turns on his heel.

Phichit, the young doctor from before, leans against the door to his office with an air of a man who can read minds and ultrasound souls. Something moves in his breast pocket, again.

Victor exists the clinic with goosebumps on his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ as previously, Unbatead Mess™  
> \+ [SHSLshortie ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SHSLshortie/pseuds/SHSLshortie)suggested that I should include Beyonce's Check On It and this idea was too brilliant for me to ignore it <3  
> \+ PSA is the acronym for Prostate-Specific Antigen and it's a protein that helps liquefy semen, or so googling tells me. Its levels are checked to screen for prostate cancer. So basically if the prostate is enlarged the doctor may order the blood test to make sure what's wrong.  
> \+ I'm so sorry
> 
> If you wanna discuss prostates and other stuff, I'm [here](http://kaja-skowronek.tumblr.com) on tumblr!


	4. Chapter 4

 

‘So you’re saying’, Christ begins, ‘that the guy works in a vampire den, hangs artsy pictures on his wall and  his looks are to die for? Are you sure this guy’s not Edward Cullen?’.

‘Edward who?’, Victor asks. They sit in an outdoor cafe; Chris insisted on the place because he wanted more Instagram pictures. Victor conjures up Dr Katsuki’s face in his mind. His thoughts are as sweet as the caramel latte macchiato he drinks.

Chris shakes his head. His round glasses reflect the golden light of the sun.

‘We need to work on your pop culture references, Vitya’, he says. There’s a note of despair in his voice. Victor has long learnt to associate it with Chris being disappointed with whatever Victor did or didn’t do but should have. ‘You’re hopeless. That’s what happens when you only watch one TV show over and over again’.

‘Not one’, Victor corrects petulantly because the next information will boost his pop culture knowledge in Chris’ eyes by fifty percent. ‘Two’.

‘Ah, right, I forgot about _Grey’s Anatomy._ And one movie, right?’

‘You say it like it’s a bad thing’, Victor says. He’s going to fight Chris on this, best friend or not. ‘There’s nothing wrong with _Blades of Glory_ ’.

Chris is on the verge of crying. Then something dark flashes across his face. Victor knows what Chris is going to say. They’ve been through this.

‘You were born in St Petersburg, the cultural heart of the Russian nation’. Victor is glad to note he was right to expect this particular monologue. ‘And you don’t know shit about culture’.

Victor knows it’s his cue.

‘I know some memes’, he says; there’s no point defending himself, really, but he’s not as culturally inept as his friend paints him to be. ‘I recognized a Jon Snow figurine on Dr Katsuki’s windowsill, you know’.

‘Jesus Christ, you say it like it’s an accomplishment’, Chris whistles. It’s not the kind of a whistle he gives when he sees a spectacularly nice butt or abs. It’s far from it. ‘That’s it. I’ll help you woo the doctor if you watch _Game of Thrones_ with me’.

Victor downs his coffee in a few resigned gulps. ‘Okay. I’ll woo him with my pop culture references’.

Chris smiles; there’s nothing wrong with the smile per se but somehow, suddenly, Victor is reminded of the young doctor from the clinic, Phichit. Something runs down his spine; it must be either a droplet of sweat or a spider.

Victor is afraid.

_____________

 

‘Your patient was here’, Phichit announced cheerfully. They’re having a lunch break. Yuuri looks up from his bento box.

‘Oh, Mr Nekola again? I told him that he was doing just fine and there was no reason to come back’.

‘Yuuri, for the last time’, Phichit says. He puts his phone down. The phone rarely leaves his hand. Yuuri realizes this is serious. ‘There are maybe two hypochondriacs who keep coming back. And Mickey, but he’s a different case and let’s not talk about him. The rest of them return because they’re thirsty for your ass’.

‘Phichit, no’.

‘Yuuri, yes. And now shut up. Your best friend is talking’.

Yuuri sends a glare Phichit’s way. He perfected this kind of look ages ago, when he first met Phichit in his last year of med school. Phichit was just starting. Yuuri caught him trying to take a selfie during a post-mortem. That was when the look was born. Needless to say, since then Yuuri has had a lot of practice.

‘You’re my worst friend. And the worst intern we’ve had. Don’t think I don’t know you’ve got a hamster in your pocket. That’s unsanitary, Phichit, you can’t jeopardise the clinic policy like that, remember the last time?’.

‘I’m the _only_ intern you’ve had. And we’re not talking about that time, even though it was awesome. I still have the video. But, Yuuri, the patient. It was the hot guy’.

‘Which one?’

‘You know which one. There’s only one’.

Yuuri shrugs.

‘He wanted the PSA test’, he explains. He decides to ignore Phichit’s triumphant look – Yuuri knows that Phichit knows that Yuuri thinks that Mr Nikiforov is hot. ‘He probably just booked the appointment. It’s not a big deal, Phichit. Patients book appointments. It’s a thing. People do that. That’s how we have patients in the first place’.

‘Yuuuri’, Phichit says the vowel with the kind of emotion he only summons when he sings along to the Doctor Who theme. ‘He could have called Sara. And he hang out in the waiting room for twenty more minutes, with some other really hot guy who came with him’.

‘And you stalked them for twenty minutes’, Yuuri says. ‘Phichit, you’re here to work, not to be creepy’.

‘You’re wrong, Yuuri’, Phichit declares melodramatically. The phone is back in his hand. He takes the hamster out and places it on the table. Yuuri pities the poor thing and himself. He just wants to go home and play _Need for Speed_. ‘I’m here to make sure you get the dick you deserve’.

_____________

 

Victor doesn’t keep a calendar because he’d sooner lose it than write things in it. But if he kept one, Monday’s entry would look like this:

  * 8 AM: Victor wakes up. He does the usual morning things because mornings are boring. He doesn’t start work until
  * 10 AM when he is late because he googled up Dr Katsuki on the bus and missed his stop. It so happens that when he finally shows up at the ice rink at
  * 10:28 AM, Victor walks into a door because he looks up in the phone dictionary all the medical terms he doesn’t know. The only thing he understands from the title of Dr Katsuki’s dissertation is a preposition. Yakov witnesses Victor’s close encounter with the entrance and therefore at
  * 10:35 AM Victor sits in Yakov’s office and observes as Yakov grows redder in the face, like a lobster. Thankfully, the universe is kind so at
  * 11:00 AM, a full hour late, Victor begins his daily coaching thing. He spends his lunch break thinking about Dr Katsuki’s eyes simply because thinking about his fingers may unprofessional while Victor is in a professional situation. He waits with thinking about the fingers until
  * 5:36 PM, when he finally gets home, walks Makka and eats. If Victor would be any different, perhaps he would be embarrassed to recall with vivid details how Dr Katsuki’s finger felt against his prostate. But Victor is not different. He’s just Victor, and as Chris would say, Victor has no chill. This is why at
  * 6:10 PM Victor masturbates. He’s on his sofa, but he imagines he’s still in Dr Katsuki’s office. And so at
  * 6:11 PM, as Victor’s hand moves up and down, up and down, up and down, Victor discovers his new favourite fantasy involves Dr Katsuki’s fingers and Dr Katsuki’s black padded examination couch. With this in mind, despite the fact somehow, even in his fantasy, Jon Snow’s figurine sent him oblivious, tormented glances, at
  * 6:17 PM Victor comes.



 

_____________

 

‘Everything is in order, Mr Leroy’, Yuuri says at 4:52 PM. He wants to go home and watch _Game of Thrones_ until he falls asleep, but he has a patient to take care of, an article to polish, and a Phichit to scold.

‘J.J.’, Mr Leroy corrects; his butt is in the air. It taunts Yuuri.

‘J.J.’, Yuuri repeats, politely. ‘You might want to consider not doing it _J.J. style,_ next time’.

(‘At least we now know what he means when he wants it _J.J. style_ every time’, Phichit comforts him later, much more cheerfully than Yuuri’d like. He’s fairly sure their discussion might be a breach of  doctor-patient confidentiality, only that Mr. Leroy screamed his problem out the moment he entered the clinic, making it known not only to all the doctors and Sara, but also the patients in the waiting room.

‘We’re not talking about _J.J. style’_ , Yuuri says with disgust’).

_____________

 

‘You’re taking a day off’, Yakov repeats after Victor. It’s a Tuesday. They’re at the rink. Victor is an epitome of a healthy man. He’s dressed with extra care.

‘Sick leave. I’ve got a thing’, Victor informs him cheerfully. ‘It’s pneumonia’.

‘Pneumonia’, Yakov echoes.

‘Yes’, Victor confirms. ‘Don’t worry! It should pass by tomorrow’.

He leaves the rink leaving Yakov behind him. There’s no need to look back – he knows Yakov – he knows how the man must be growing redder and redder with every step Victor takes. So when he’s about to exit, he just adds than one more thing his boss should probably hear:

‘Oh, and Yakov? I’m planning to get pneumonia every Tuesday’.

 

_____________

 

Mr Nikiforov is really his most handsome patient, Yuuri decides without shame.

(There’s no shame in his line of work, really).

(Yuuri’s seen things).

He’s not going to act on it, of course, but if he lets himself appreciate the man’s perfect complexion and his wonderful outfit, then nobody needs to know. (Yuuri knows nothing about fashion. Phichit dresses him up every other day. Yuuri only has opinions about lab coats and fandom merchandise. He needs those _Game of Thrones_ shirts more than he needs to caffeinate every morning).

Yuuri doesn’t have to look imploringly at Mr Nikiforov as he considers how to break the news to him. Mr Nikiforov came in, all happy and handsome, with a smile on his face that makes Yuuri’s knees so weak they’d be in a demi plié if he wasn’t sitting. And now Yuuri had to ask –

‘I’m sorry, but is there a chance you ejaculated within twenty four hours before doing the PSA test?’

_____________

 

Victor freezes. He’s been doing so well. He thought that maybe Dr Katsuki was checking him out, but it seems that the ~~alluring~~ contemplative look he gave Victor was not caused by Victor’s attractiveness.

‘Excuse me?’, Victor repeats. How does he know?

 _How to check if your urologist is psychic,_ Victor is going to google up the moment he leaves the office. Does he know Victor has imagined Dr Katsuki in a number of situations which involved ejaculate?

‘I’m sorry’, Dr Katsuki repeats. Well, Victor thinks, he may be psychic but at least he has some morals. ‘I know this is not an comfortable situation. Let me explain it better. Your PSA levels are elevated, but the DRE check last week did not show any irregularities. The blood test may sometimes turn out falsely positive. This often happens if the patient ejaculated before providing the blood sample’.

Victor is not sure whether to be disappointed that the man lacks psychic powers or not. He’s already come up with a fantasy in which Dr Katsuki takes one look at him and just _knows_ where Victor wants these fingers.

‘Yes’, he admits with as much pride as he can muster. ‘I did ejaculate’.

To his astonishment, Dr Katsuki rewards him with a quick smile.

(Victor wants to come over and over again if that’s what it takes to see it).

‘Good’, he says. Victor preens. Dr Katsuki may not have been there to see it, but he is right. That time was a job well done. Victor is very proud. ‘Then I don’t think this is a serious problem, Mr Nikiforov, especially since...’

‘Can we repeat the test? I’m quite anxious, Doctor. I’d like to make sure’.

There’s something soft about Dr Katsuki as he nods slowly. Victor melts.

‘Of course, Mr Nikiforov. I’ll...’

‘Victor’, says Victor.

‘Excuse me?’

‘Please’, Victor says. ‘Could you use my given name instead?’. There is something against it in medical rules, he thinks. There must be. He forces his mind to work faster so that it comes up with an explanation. ‘It makes me uncomfortable to hear my surname’, he says.

It’s a miracle – Dr Katsuki gives him that smile again. Victor feels blessed.

_____________

 

‘He’s so shy, Phichit’, Yuuri says. ‘He felt so _uncomfortable,_ I should have become a receptionist like Sara and at least people would not be scared to see me’.

‘Sara can be scary’, Phichit says because he’s witnessed _things._ ‘And, Yuuri, I can assure you  - if the hot guy was uncomfortable, it’s because he wanted to see you _very much’._

_____________

 

‘I’m going to get my PSA levels checked tomorrow’, Victor announces. He has his phone put on loudspeaker so that he can play with Makkachin and talk to Chris at the same time.

‘Good for you’, says Chris because he doesn’t care about prostates in ways that are not inherently sexual. ‘Anyway, drinks tonight?’

‘I can’t’, Victor shouts over the  sound of Makka barking at a toy. ‘I have to masturbate!’.

_____________

 

‘Doctor’, Victor says. It’s a Tuesday. He’s made sure to smell especially nice today. He’s come prepared. ‘Could you please do the DRE again? You know, just in case? I’m really worried because of that blood test being positive again...’

Dr Katsuki gives Victor a look. Victor files it away for later, to the same folder in his mind where he can find _Dr Katsuki’s smile no. 3, Dr Katsuki’s voice as he says Victor’s name, the glasses,_ and of course, _the fingers._

‘Of course’, Dr Katsuki replies. ‘Just to make sure’. The frequency of his voice makes things to Victor’s lower abdomen.

Moment later, Victor, triumphant, shows his butt off to Dr Katsuki.  It is then that he remembers he forgot to ask something. He speaks the moment the doctor coats his gloved finger with lube.

‘What was the title of your dissertation?’.

_____________

 

Tuesday, 2:13 PM. Phichit lost the weekly bet. Yuuri can hear muffled Italian ballads from the waiting room, which means Celestino must have decided on their music this time. Yuuri blocks them out and absent-mindedly admires Mr Nikiforov’s – Victor’s – round buttocks.

‘What was the title of your dissertation?’, the man asks. Yuuri, who was just applying lube to his finger, stops.

 _The Experimental Study_ , Yuuri begins to think. He doesn’t finish the thought. He recalls the countless times he tried to explain his research topic to Mari or Minako.

When he finally answers, his choice of words comes from experience.

‘Balls’, Yuuri says as his finger enters Mr Nikiforov’s butt. ‘I wrote about balls’.

_____________

 

‘My patients are so hopeless’, Yuuri complains to Phichit later that day. ‘One of them ejaculated before the PSA test even though I’d warned him not to’.

‘Which one was it?’, Phichit asks. Yuuri considers the breach of confidentiality again. He hesitates a second too long.

‘It was the hot guy, am I right?’, Phichit says. ‘Oh, Yuuri, you oblivious idiot. The only man who is hopeless here is you’.

_____________

 

Victor drags Chris to the clinic, again.

‘You have to see him’, he tells his friend. ‘He’s so perfect. Like an angel. Like Daenerys Targaryen’.

‘I think it’s a different kind of beauty’, Chris answers carefully. Victor shrugs. Chris has made it known that it’s not Victor who is the reigning kind of pop culture references. Victor just knows _House M.D._

(Chris forced him to watch _Game of Thrones,_ though, so Victor now knows it, too. He’s going to impress Dr Katsuki with his newly-acquired meme comprehension).

It’s Beyoncé again. [If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY) _,_ she sings. Victor embraces this advice. He could almost hear the wedding bells if it weren’t for the incessant howling coming from Yuuri’s office.

In the waiting room, patients queue up, unmindful of Victor’s quest; the young doctor, Phichit, stands by the reception desk with Sara.

‘I’m sorry for the noise’, Sara smiles. ‘It’s just my brother’.

Victor would be afraid – but at this point, a vampire den does not sound so bad if he can see Dr Katsuki. In front of him, Phichit smirks – Victor only has seen such smirks on TV on the faces of villains.

‘Oh’, Chris purrs.

Victor wants to purr, too, to agree with his friend. That’s a default reaction when one sees Dr Katsuki, as far as Victor is concerned. But then he realizes the doctor is nowhere in sight; howling still can be heard from the office, which means Dr Katsuki is subject to inexplicable terrors.

Chris purrs because he sees Phichit.

Phichit shifts. The universe shifts with him.

Victor thinks that at least he and Chris are going to end up in the vampire den together.

_____________

 

Moments later, Victor enters Dr Katsuki’s office, intent to woo the man of his dreams, the angel of his fantasies. He’s going to charm him with heart-shaped smiles and _Game of Thrones_ references.

Then, Victor spots Dr Katsuki, sitting casually in his chair, looking positively gorgeous.

‘Hello again, Victor’, Dr Katsuki speaks.

Victor forgets how to language.

‘Winter is coming’, he says.

_____________

 

‘Phichit’, Yuuri sobs a few hours later. ‘I want to do unprofessional things to him’.

‘Yuuri’, Phichit doesn’t sob. But it’s a close thing. ‘Have you seen his _friend?_ ’.

_____________

 

It’s Tuesday, one week later. Victor runs out of excuses to see Dr Katsuki. He takes a few pictures of Makkachin just in case, so he can at least carry out a conversation if the doctor refuses to carry out another DRE.

The doctor has a new addition to his office – a creepy chart depicting the male reproductive system. Victor studies it with repulsion. He much prefers the Jon Snow figurine on the windowsill.

‘I’d like to ask a question’, he starts, still looking at the diagram, gathering his courage, _would you date me?,_ he wants to say.

‘There’s nothing wrong with your testicles, Victor’, Dr Katsuki tells him.

Victor realizes he’s been staring at the chart the entire time. Dr Katsuki misunderstood.

 _Oh no,_ he thinks, _I’m fucked._

( _Or rather,_ he corrects himself, _I’m not. But I’d like to be_ ).

_____________

 

Like all great romances, this one begins in a simple way – during a prostate check, and on a Tuesday.

Dr Yuuri Katsuki, being a creature of habit, marathons a TV show on Monday night. The morning after, with his head heavy and eyes bloodshot, he intensely does not think about the presentation he should have ready for a conference he attends. Instead, he directs his attention to his usual futile attempt to make coffee.

His coffee maker, Albert – who is more of a coffee-not-maker, but Yuuri is not one to discuss semantics at fuck o’clock in the morning – refuses to cooperate. Yuuri swears, and as usual, ends up going to the nearest Starbucks.

An hour later a miracle happens – Yuuri does not spill his coffee when he enters the clinic. Looking up from her computer, Sara sees his accomplishments and claps her hands.

Phichit is not there to film it. Yuuri knows his friend will never forgive him. Yuuri also knows about the hamster cage his friend has smuggled into the clinic. He considers himself safe enough to blackmail Phichit back if needed.

The day progresses the way Yuuri’s Tuesdays are wont to do – there are a lot of DREs; there’s a lot of Beyoncé. There’s a lot of howling. At 11 AM, when it becomes clear that he won’t need another coffee, Seung-gil  the barista sends Yuuri a picture of his husky making pleading eyes at the photographer. Yuuri knows his friend must feel betrayed. He also knows Phichit uses a special hashtag on the days Yuuri manages not to spill anything on any surface. Today is such a day.

At 2 PM, Victor comes in.

As always, he’s quite ethereal. Yuuri thinks doing the prostate check for this man is a privilege. And yet he seems to be looking at Yuuri with a faraway expression on his face; Yuuri does not know how to react, so he tries to channel his inner Tywin Lannister. He’s going to be professional. He won’t melt looking at this man. He won’t.

(He does).

They get down to the DRE. Yuuri puts white gloves on. He thinks that Mickey may soon fight with Victor over the title of the owner of the most thoroughly checked prostate. He does not think about Victor’s perky buttocks. He does not.

(He does).

Victor turns his head to look at Yuuri. Yuuri reaches for lube.

‘Could you please bend down a bit more, Victor?’, he’s proud to note his voice doesn’t shake.

Victor bends down. He still looks at Yuuri, though.

‘Do you think’, Victor asks a bit shyly. Yuuri’s finger enters his rectum. ‘Do you think you could grab a coffee with me?’.

Yuuri’s finger stops. It seems like Yuuri himself stops – stops thinking, stops breathing, stops being.

‘Is it a date?’, he hears himself asking. Something clicks in his mind; he stares at his finger, stuck in Victor’s butt, and forces himself to finish the exam.

‘If you say it’s not a date’, Victor replies easily, ‘then it’s not a date. But it could be’.

Yuuri smoothly  pulls the finger out. There’s nothing wrong with Victor’s prostate. There’s nothing wrong with Victor.

He turns to the rubbish bin and disposes of the gloves. Only then does he look at Victor, who is frozen against the couch, his butt still up.

‘I’ll see you on Tuesday’, Yuuri agrees.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand that's it! Thank you so much for reading, for all these kudos and wonderful comments, I'm crying <3 I just came up with a silly idea and rolled with it, and here you are, being wonderful and enjoying it - or so I hear - it's incredible. Thank you all so much for being so awesome!  
> Having said that - I'm going to return to my angsty WIP now, but I love Urologist!Yuuri so much and may want to continue. If you want to see anything in this universe, let me know - I'd be happy to take some prompts if you have any <3
> 
> Also, as always:  
> \+ unbetaed mess™  
> \+ I love Chris in glasses so much  
> \+ [here](https://prostatecanceruk.org/prostate-information/prostate-tests/psa-test), [here](https://www.everydayhealth.com/prostate-cancer/non-cancerous-reasons-your-psa-levels-are-high.aspx) and [here](https://www.cancer.org/cancer/prostate-cancer/early-detection/tests.html) you can find some information about PSA  
> \+ mind you I'm not a medical professional and all my research comes from the web so if you catch any inaccuracies I'd be happy to change things <3
> 
> If you wanna chat about prostates and other things, I'm happy to talk to you on [tumblr](http://kaja-skowronek.tumblr.com)!


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